Garfield: The Movie Movie Review

Panel One: Jim Davis, creator of "Garfield" convinces Fox studios that his once-loved comic strip would now be possible as a live action film using the new techniques of CGI.

Panel Two: CGI tests are done to create Garfield. They look creepy, but effective. The character is tried out on several field tests with laboratory rabbits. The rabbits, in an effort to stave off madness, apply makeup to themselves.

Panel Three: The producers realize that they'll need to spend money on three things: 1) A BIG name to voice Garfield; 2) A well-trained mutt to perform the live-action version of Odie; 3) Rabbit liability insurance. The producers will save money by: 1) Getting third-tier, slightly desperate, Dean Jones and Susanne Pleshette stars; 2) Not creating a screenplay but rather using the punch lines from old issues of the comic strip 3) Securing so many product placement tie-ins that they've broken even before the first weekend opening. Everything else is gravy.

Panel Four: The producers search for a director. During their search Peter Hewitt, talking on his cell phone instead of looking where he was going, smashes into the back of their car. Director procured.

Panel Five: The producers attempt to find third-tier stars to play Jon, the hapless owner of Garfield, and Liz the pretty veterinarian whom Jon loves. Dean Jones beats them off his porch with his yoga mat. Suzanne Pleshette begins to answer her phone, "DMV, how may I direct your call?"

Panel Six: Producers begin to get desperate. They pitch Garfield: The Movie as an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza to Jennifer Love Hewitt promising her that there are three solos for her in the veterinarian role including "Spade Means Love" and "Puttin' 'Em to Sleep (When Love Can't Heal the Hurting)." She agrees. They pitch Garfield: The Movie to Breckin Meyer as a bonded job. He signs immediately.

Panel Seven: The producers look for a big star to provide the voice of Garfield. They approach Bill Murray's agent. They whisper in his ear, "Eddie Murphy in Shrek." They whisper, "Albert Brooks in Finding Nemo." They whisper, "What was your take on Lost in Translation?" With the agent on-board they drive a dump-truck full of money to Murray's house. Murray signs on.

Panel Eight: Murray meets with the producers for his line-reading of the script during the halftime of last year's Ram-Giants game in Giants stadium. Before he starts a phone rings. Murray reaches into his blazer and answers his cell. It is his off-shore Cayman banker. He nods his head and says, "Good." He puts the phone back. He reads his lines. The third quarter starts. Murray bolts from the room. The producers high-five each other.

Panel Nine: They shoot the live action stuff and then integrate Murray's voice and the CGI. They make a movie wherein the CGI Garfield is aghast to discover that his owner, Jon, has adopted a dog, named Odie (played by a real dog), all to impress the cute veterinarian/cabaret singer named Liz. Garfield's mean treatment of the dog, and a passing Kibble truck, cause Odie to run away, forcing Garfield to get out of his favorite chair and go find him. Liz sings "Have You Seen Odie?" Garfield's search becomes a search and rescue, however, when a scheming local TV personality, Happy Chapman (Stephen Tobolowsky), poses as Odie's real owner and decides to make him his headline act (which includes relocating to New York).

Panel Ten: The producers test the film on audiences sans musical numbers ("Remember I'll Do Anything, Jennifer? It's like that."). Shortly after the screening the producers show they've learned from their mistakes and file for their first "Test Audience Liability Insurance" claim but are shocked to discover that it does not include a "Paralyzed by Boredom" clause, something they specifically requested from their insurance agent.

Panel Eleven: Producers, leaving the insurance offices, also see files for The Stepford Wives and The Chronicles of Riddick. They've found a safe opening weekend!

Panel Twelve: Garfield opens. In an attempt to put people in a laughing frame of mind, one they will not be in again for the entirety of the main feature, Fox cagily puts Gone Nutty, the Scrat cartoon by the Ice Age folks as a short before Garfield.

Panel Thirteen: Children are mildly amused by Garfield whilst the adults bide their time, much like Murray did reading off the flat, humorless lines. The daddies think to themselves: "My God, Jennifer Love Hewitt has enormous breasts. Too bad they didn't have her in a lounge dress singing some show tunes. Now that would have kept my attention."