Envy Movie Review

You know, when I said don't get me involved in crap movies, I also meant don't get me involved in movies about crap as well! I mean, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand that any movie that surrounds the subject of dogshit is going to be dogshit! When I got this role, you gave me some spiel about this being a "hilarious satire of suburban mores" with me as a guy who has to deal with the fallout when his neighbor becomes a millionaire after inventing some brilliant gadget. And when I show up on the set, it's a movie about some spray crap called "VaPooRize" that dissolves dogshit – and Jack Black's the funny guy, while I'm asked to do my slow burn thing again. How many times do I gotta say that after Along Came Polly, I don't want to be the crazy neurotic guy anymore? (Except for the Meet the Parents sequel – those neuroses are money in the bank, baby!) I mean, I just got Starsky & Hutch out there and now Dodgeball coming up – I'm trying for a new image besides a schlub! And don't get me started on the stupid goddamn dead horse. And hey, I never want to work with Walken again. Man, what a freak!

Also, could you not have gotten DreamWorks to release this movie right now? I have worked hard in 2004 to be the $80 million-plus go-to guy, and now Envy comes along to break that streak. Could you screw me over harder if you tried? This is totally the wrong movie at the wrong time for me, and get your minions to go into overdrive on spin control. I want this movie dead and buried, or vaporized pronto! I don't need a stumbling block with Dodgeball this summer, especially with Will Ferrell and Anchorman coming out a couple weeks later. (Oh, and who was the genius who put the Anchorman trailer on the movie, which is funnier in three minutes than the entire 99 minutes of Envy?) And while you're at it, please get me the new proofs for the Dodgeball ads – goddamn but I look like a schmuck. How hard is it to look better than Vince Vaughn?